Weaknesses

After the questioning of my sister, I was confused and yet so sure that there was nothing; not even someone that looked so much like me, that could change what I was and am. There is no greater love they say when you are owned fully and completely by the one that Masters not only your body, your mind but also your heart and soul.

Even in the distress this all causes and even in the full awareness something awful is happening I seem to have this rock, this place where I can stand firm, spread my arms and shout to whoever will listen, that I am his, not just because of this collar, his brand or the fear of his whip.

[14:44]  Nightshade still in this rush of experiencing her own release and gifted with that of him. She leans against him hearing his heartbeat … and knowing that her own was just for him. Her arms around him to hold on to his strenght, and very being. Soft whispers of her love and devotion only for him to hear. His name soft and delicate just to show that she remembered and was only his.

[14:50]  Serpent stroaked her hair slowly  as they boty took their own minute of bliss

[14:52]  Nightshade smiles while she felt his strokes and just took this gift she would cherish so precious. Her mind no longer with the woman but only him.

[15:00]  Serpent ‘rather nasty bashing you gave her I dooubt I can use this sheath now without smirking

[15:03]  Nightshade looks up to him a bit shamed “I don’t mind if they think nothing of me … I have a weakness … my Master.” she said in truth. “None I can allow to speak bad of you.”

[15:18]  Serpent we all have a weakness.. seems I will turn down all the gold in gor to keep you on my chain’

[15:21]  Nightshade kissed him and didn’t speak. Somewhere it didn’t matter if it were true or not. She was smart and understood his reasons were perhaps not even his love for her. She had tried to fight it far to long and hadn’t succeeded. When she gave herself … she gave herself completely unreserved without any restrictions. “I am yours my Master … and I rather wish you to kill me before you sold me off.”

[15:23]  Serpent ‘I will’ he said dryly

[15:24]  Nightshade smiles “I know.” she whispers.

Questioning loyality

[2009/11/18 11:35]  Nightshade kneels down, crawling to his boots. “Greetings my Master.” she offers softly up to him, her lips touching his boot in submission.

[2009/11/18 11:35]  Serpent greeting girl..
[2009/11/18 11:35]  Serpent ‘I have something I wish to discuss with you.
[2009/11/18 11:35]  Serpent come
[2009/11/18 11:36]  Serpent ‘I have located the woman claiming to be your sister..

[2009/11/18 11:36]  Nightshade looks up to him and frowns hearing about this strange woman again “You think she is my sister my Master ?” she asks

[2009/11/18 11:37]  Serpent ‘the resemblance is striking.. but she is not what she appears to be…  ‘

[2009/11/18 11:38]  Nightshade puzzled but with fear around her heart keeps her eyes up to him, hoping to find something reassuring. “Please my Master I beg you not to sell me … I … ” she lowers her eyes afraid she was out of line.

[2009/11/18 11:38]  Serpent ‘Her manner and temper suggest she may be a Kur agent.. I have heard stories of altering people to take the place of others.. perhaps a myth perhaps not.. she may be seeking to gain your trust, she seems a manipulative liar but I have had a long time to lie but notice others that do so.. ‘

[2009/11/18 11:39]  Serpent ‘I told her you were not for sale at any price’ he said stiffly.. she then threatened me.. so she was whisked out of Salernum under false pretences and smoke and mirrors’

[2009/11/18 11:40]  Nightshade shakes her head “I would never do anything to hurt you or the caste you serve my Master. No one can earn my trust to get to that stage. ” she pauses and listens although so many questions rises.

[2009/11/18 11:42]  Serpent ’she may have memories.. real or implanted.. in you.. after all girls taken from earth can have their memories wiped and hidden messages placed in themselves… I have spoken to others and they assure me that you either delivered your message, you had none, or you were triggered to forget everything as soon as whatever purpose you had was complete.. She may try to.. persuade you though some sisterly bond, friendship or hazy memory that she loves and cares for you..  she is downstairs..  you may go see her.. but heed my words.. ‘

[2009/11/18 11:43]  Nightshade looks up and shakes her head “I never knew anything besides you now my Master. I don’t need to see her … if she is wrong and false I rather not.”

[2009/11/18 11:47]  Serpent ‘See her.. she seems convinced you will fall all over yourself when you greet.. go.. I will join you.. ‘

[2009/11/18 11:48]  Nightshade stays close to her own Master, her eyes more to him than the woman in the cage.

[2009/11/18 11:49]  Serpent ‘go see the woman who claims to be your sister.. ‘

[2009/11/18 11:49]  Caoimhe Genna looks at him returning her eyes instantly to karlotte. “Kar … ! is that you ?!” she cries out quickly turning to the bars reaching her hands out to her.
[2009/11/18 11:49]  Caoimhe Genna cursing softly for not being able to do as she was still cuffed.

[2009/11/18 11:50]  Nightshade look up to her own Master, softly shaking her head as she rather not. Still to trained not to comply she steps towards the woman not daring to look at her.

[2009/11/18 11:51]  Caoimhe Genna looks at her sister “Karlotte it is me Caoimhe … please tell him this is a big misunderstanding … surely if you care for him.”

[2009/11/18 11:52]  Nightshade slowly looks up to the woman, struck by the eyes that seemed to be her own. “I am sorry … I don’t know Caoimhe even the name Karlotte seems foreign to me.” she looks back to her own Master pleading … this was too hard …

[2009/11/18 11:53]  Serpent looked at Shade ‘you have questions about your past Shade.. perhaps you can find some answers.. perhaps this was the woman who had you abducted to Gor.  ‘

[2009/11/18 11:53]  Caoimhe Genna tries to keep her eyes soft to those of her sister, “sweetheart … I know you were always the one that was more naive … but surely you see and feel we are alike.” she shoot a dark look to Severus “let him poison you … look inside your heart karlotte.”

[2009/11/18 11:54]  Serpent takes a scroll out seemingly uninterested and begins to work

[2009/11/18 11:55]  Nightshade shakes her head, she was indeed naive … and in the beginning she had felt an emptiness. But she never forgot the words she had taken to heart from her former master. It was better not to remember with pain than to remember as it would never fade away. “My heart belongs to my Master, Mistress.” she replies quickly lowering her eyes unsure if she was still one.

[2009/11/18 11:57]  Caoimhe Genna shakes her head “Karlotte … he wishes you to think he loves you, what did he tell you ? That you were his only joy ?” she shakes her head “You know better … I am sure of it.”she said with confidence “Don’t you remember the time we spend together in the large estate of our parents … the many slaves we teased ? You were born free Karlotte … your not like those sluts from earth.”

[2009/11/18 11:59]  Nightshade felt uncomfortable by the words of Caoimhe “What I was doesn’t count … I am his slave … and even if he doesn’t care .. I can’t help myself to love him.” she comes closer perhaps to curious for her own good “Please don’t lie to me … how can you be my sister … if I can’t remember you ?”

[2009/11/18 12:00]  Caoimhe Genna hissed to Severus “Can’t you give us some privacy … afraid I might convince your slave that she is far more than you wish her to believe ?” she said to him, trying to conceal her anger after all it wouldn’t serve her if Karlotte knew her real intentions.

[2009/11/18 12:03]  Nightshade shakes her head and smiles, her heart still going out to the woman tha surely was in big trouble. “I have no secrets for my Master.” she looks over her shoulder and smiles at him lovingly. She turns back to Caoimhe ”Why would you see me in pain or take me from the place I love so much … can’t you let me be ?” she whispers although it didn’t really serve a purpose “My Master is very very dangerous that your still alive … is a gift.”

[2009/11/18 12:03]  Serpent ‘not at all I simply am looking over her she wishes my presence.. if she wishes me to leave I will, she is my slave correct and I have never said she is my only joy.. but I care for her like no other in my service.. even those free’

[2009/11/18 12:04]  Serpent ‘the fact ou are alive is only due to your resemblance to Shade.. if she wishes you dead she need only ask.. If she wishes to leave with you here.. I would consider it.. ‘

[2009/11/18 12:04]  Caoimhe Genna shrugs “Yes I would say the same … you have no idea what she is capable off.” she hissed, quickly composing herself turning to Karlotte hoping her words didn’t have the meaning for them as they had for her. “Karlotte our father … he is in much pain of all this … perhaps he once thought I would end up in a collar but never you.”

[2009/11/18 12:06]  Nightshade would never wished someone dead she thought although she had once or two thought of it when she was real angered because some other slave didn’t show her master the honour he deserved. “our father ?” she asks curious still although she doubted it was true.

[2009/11/18 12:06]  Serpent ‘if he is a gorean man he will survive.. if you are gorean then you will understand Slavery, I am sure your father has enslaved women, with no care for their fathers..  ‘

[2009/11/18 12:07]  Caoimhe Genna nods “Oh yes … you were always the more precious one … you were the youngest.” she smiles to her “you were the smarter one he said … and well your interest was hardly in boys.” she started to whisper “You liked animals … you had this special gift with them … do you still have it ?”

[2009/11/18 12:09]  Caoimhe Genna snaps her head back to Severus “He has enslaved woman … but I doubt you enslaved her because she was showing heat, or showed any indecent behavior. You had no right to collar her … she was Free … “

[2009/11/18 12:10]  Nightshade smiles “Yes I like animals I have several that I even consider my friends.” she lowers her eyes. Of course it was foolish perhaps even childish but they were the only one she could talk too without them speaking her secrets to others. “I submitted freely … after spending days in the forest .. I was hungry had no place to go.” she remembers

[2009/11/18 12:11]  Caoimhe Genna nods “Karlotte .. they were wrong, you were hurt because of some attack I don’t know.” she lied. “Instead of helping you and find your family they simply abused you ..that isn’t gorean that is cruel.”

[2009/11/18 12:12]  Serpent ’she was a slave when I took her into my fold’ he replies simply

[2009/11/18 12:13]  Nightshade shakes her head “No they weren’t cruel … I didn’t know anything … I had to learn gorean … my former master invested much time in my reading and writing …. I knew nothing. ” she looks back to Severus “I learned all I needed at that time from Bella … she was a sister to me … one I still miss every day.”

[2009/11/18 12:13]  Serpent she has a gift with animals it is common knowledge..  pedlar of lies’ he mutters
[2009/11/18 12:14]  Serpent eye ticks remembering Bella, ’she was a good slave’ was all he said on the subject

[2009/11/18 12:16]  Caoimhe Genna looks at karlotte intently “I don’t know what he has told you or anyone else. But you are as much Gorean as he is or me … Our parents wished us to have much knowledge … and perhaps the lessons from earth were those you remembered best. But listen to yourself … you speak and seem to be more adjust than any barbarian girl I have seen.” she looks up to him “You can call me a liar … it doesn’t change the truth.”

[2009/11/18 12:17]  Nightshade perhaps wished to believe her, but there were to many missing pieces “I was told I came from a shipwreck … Master Byron called it a kurr ship from acquisition … he had seen it before it vanished.”

[2009/11/18 12:19]  Caoimhe Genna bites her lip “He must have been mistaken, Karlotte.” she said sharply. “Karlotte … please look at me … we are alike … I am better fed … and treated better … but … we are alike you and I.

[2009/11/18 12:21]  Serpent ‘you think Byron would lie to you.. ‘ he asks her,, ‘and what is it to us if you are barbarian or not.. how can you remember films.. if films cannot be seen on Gor, tell me do you remember the smell of those Car things? Can smell come from education’  he inquires

[2009/11/18 12:21]  Nightshade shakes her head still caring deeply for those she served, after all she had never given half of herself “He wasn’t someone who would go for rumors or half-truths. He had no reason to lie or tell me things untrue.” she narrows her eyes as if she wanted to read the womans mind … perhaps catch her on a lie.

[2009/11/18 12:23]  Caoimhe Genna looks down on Karlotte and back to Severus “There are things that you can’t understand … but believe me Kar … you need to try to remember … ” her voice had become soft and pleading “I know your softhearted and kind … if you so much doubt me … let him kill me … since I have nothing here but my word of truth.”

[2009/11/18 12:24]  Nightshade scoot back “I can’t kill anyone … nor could I ask such a thing … I am but a mere slave … “

[2009/11/18 12:25]  Caoimhe Genna shakes her head “I must admit you train slaves well … such a shame.” she snaps to severus.

[2009/11/18 12:26]  Serpent ‘you imply brain washing.. ‘ his hand stroaks the curve of her cheek ‘I could not wish her to be anything other than she is..  Tell me what would you wish for her.. ‘

[2009/11/18 12:27]  Caoimhe Genna nods “Yes … there is no other way she wouldn’t remember her training or her own father. She adored the man. Whatever you think of me … or my story … Your not even close to the truth.” she looks to Karlotte … somehow her own harshness prevented her from caring deeply however she was still her sister. “What I wish is her to be alive and safe and reunited with her father.”

[2009/11/18 12:30]  Nightshade leans into his touch her own heart was only his. She didn’t remember her father and therefor had not missed him, besides the longing for knowing where one came from. She kissed the knee of him and turns to the woman “I am alive and safe … more safe a slave could wish for as long as I please my Master.” she answers

[2009/11/18 12:30]  Serpent ‘Alive and safe she already is. you would have her brought to a man she does not know.. who claims to be her father.. that would not make her happy.. seems you do not care for her happy ness.. just her aquisition’

[2009/11/18 12:32]  Caoimhe Genna shakes her head “somehow you rather wish to think I am evil, while there are ways to make her remember … perhaps even give her back the status of the woman she was born too. She is a child of a red caste. A high caste lady not a mere slave for a killer. Your only speak from selfishness reasons and I can understand she is beautiful and well-behaved.”

[2009/11/18 12:33]  Caoimhe Genna looks at Karlotte ”You must feel somewhere deep down that you are special, different from so many others. Our father invested so much in your knowledge … I am sure it shows somewhere.”

[2009/11/18 12:34]  Serpent ‘do you wish to be free.. to avoid the touch of your lover?’ he asks her  seriously

[2009/11/18 12:35]  Nightshade looks up from one to the other “I can’t believe I was born free nor would I want it … I am where I wish to be not by steel but by heart.”

[2009/11/18 12:36]  Serpent caresses her hair..  ‘it is your choice if you think I or Byron brainwashed you.. you may be free.. ‘ it was the first time he had ever offered to free a slave .. and probably the last time

[2009/11/18 12:36]  Caoimhe Genna: You can have what I have a man who loves you … that protects you not because of a collar but because of something more valuable. You can have children … have a beautiful house, flowers … “she shakes her head “Don’t tell me you came here with no whipmark … I am sure he whipped you even when you didn’t deserve it … he is cruel Karlotte.

[2009/11/18 12:38]  Nightshade looks up in panic “Noooo.” she cries “I don’t want to leave … I don’t want to be freed.” she grabs his leg afraid this was something to get rid of her “Please my Master I beg you … I believe in the love of Master Byron … he wouldn’t ever done that nor You.” tears instantly well up “I rather die first … I truly would.”

[2009/11/18 12:39]  Serpent ‘look Nightshade.. a woman who knows nothing of her sexualty,    haughty arrogant and stupid in her smugness..  true she has felt no whip, so knows no humility.. remaining forever a spoiled child..  ‘

[2009/11/18 12:39]  Caoimhe Genna felt her anger rise “You foolish slut !” she hissed to her own sister “You … I always knew you were the weakest link … but no father didn’t believe me … no his precious girl … she would make everything right.” she shakes her head and turns her back … knowing she spoke out of anger and too much.

[2009/11/18 12:41]  Caoimhe Genna snapped back to Severus “I will await the day … if you so much have the balls to release me … that I will have the whip to teach you what spoiled is. She spoiled you … yes … but remember one day she might remember … and kill you.”

[2009/11/18 12:41]  Serpent lifts her to his chair ‘no you will remain mine.  ‘ he says seriously.. even if I am a lowly assassin. ‘ he quotes dryly..  ‘you could do so much better.. a warrior like Gavin.. or.. Latte.. ‘

[2009/11/18 12:43]  Serpent he says in mock humor..  ‘Yes perhaps she might try to kill me.. but I doubt she would not die too. besides ‘ he says looking at shades face ‘there are worse things than death.. ‘ he whispers in her ear ’such as loneliness.. ‘

[2009/11/18 12:43]  Nightshade eased herself in his lap embracing him, holding on to him if she was the last thing in life. For her he was her everything, her center of being. “I love you my Master.” she says trying to not feel her own anger towards the woman. She kisses him perhaps with more passion than ever before searching for his ear and whispers “I love you severus.” very sure the woman couldn’t hear.

[2009/11/18 12:44]  Serpent responds to the woman in his arms but restrains himself.. ‘there is one thing I must do..  ‘Shade’ he says his eye twinkling.. ‘fetch my whip’

[2009/11/18 12:44]  Caoimhe Genna laughs “Oh … yes … sure … show you got that one …”

[2009/11/18 12:45]  Nightshade kisses him again and lifts herself up “Yes my Master.” she replies walking to the hook that held the whip and returning it kissing it before she offers. Her wrists together and her head lowered.

[2009/11/18 12:47]  Caoimhe Genna turns “You think you show strength ? It shows that you … aren’t very creative … Must say I had expected better from a killer.” she shakes her head “Who was your mentor …?” she asks “Surely not someone I might know.”

[2009/11/18 12:48]  Serpent stood up languidly in no rush..  and walked ot the door unlocking it he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her out

Relatives

[15:06] Karina watched Shade as she moved over to him, her eyes on the girl, head shaking in a bit of wonder as again she was staring into those eyes, she lifts her gaze to Serpent “May i speak to your girl for a moment, Killer?”

[15:06] Nightshade couldn’t help herself when her fingers curled around his boot, she didn’t want to demand attention but his presence more than just a dream was needed. She smiles up to him lovingly .. having missed being near his boot.

[15:07] Yash finishes the last section and lets the hair hang loose, letting the other sections loose as she changed her mind and likes it down for now

[15:07] Serpent looks to the free woman, ‘Yes of course.. Shade go to the free woman’

[15:07] Nightshade lets go of his boot “Yes my Master.” she answers obediently.

[15:08] Yash leans forward and sniffs her hair, a lovely fruity essence, she grins to her and tugs her hair playfully, settling back again

[15:08] Karina nodded her thanks to him and looked down to her, brows furrowing in thought as she asked quietly “Shade…do you have family…a sister in particular?”

[15:09] Karina  nods over to Sombra by way of greeting, but kept her attention on Shade for the moment

[15:09] Yash  looks over to shade, wondering about her own twin who roamed the lands, she rubs at her temple

[15:09] Nightshade looks up startled she had expected a question about chores, perhaps something that still needed to be done. Her own personal life was hardly of interest she thought “I don’t know Mistress, when I came to Gor, I didn’t remember my previous life.” she said apologizing already for not knowing.

[15:10] Serpent flicks her eyes to the free woman

[15:10] Serpent turns to his slave ‘That is true.. ‘ he says to the free woman.. ‘as far back as I have known her.. she knows nothing.. why do you ask lady?’

[15:12] Nightshade smiles back to her own Master, he had been there when she entered the gates of laura. She notices Sombra and smiles her welcome before turning back to the Mistress wondering if there would be more questions.

[15:12] Karina nods her head slowly, unsure but she leaned close, stared into those beautifully unique eyes and bit her lip, answering him “The lady i met yesterday in the city, stated that she was in search of her sister, a twin. The lady has Shade’s eyes, though gave me the name Karlotte for her and well…i do not know Shade’s birth name. The lady wanted to see for herself but i wasnt willing to bring her here…i wanted to see first with you.”

[15:13] Serpent lips thin as he glances to his slave, she has said that name in her dreams ‘Nightshade is a barbarian girl.. she could have no family on Gor surely’

[15:13] Nightshade instantly looks up when the name her Master called comes up. He told her she had shouted it in her dreams. She looks suddenly afraid back over her shoulder, something was off she was never noticed or mentioned.

[15:15] Serpent ‘V.. investigate this.. I am curious.. ‘

[15:15] Karina: The lady states that she and her father never gave up hope…that at one point they’d travelled separately and they never heard back from this Karlotte. I did not know what to tell the lady, but i did mention that i knew of one with those same looks”

[15:16] Serpent ‘I see, well if you see her again.. I will wish to speak with her. ‘

[15:16] Yash  scrubs her head wondering if such could be so, she looks to them each as they speak, her imaginations growing

[15:17] Karina looks to V “The lady’s name is Caoimhe and she said she was staying with Lady Hermione in Salernum…” she trailed off and looked to Serpent. “I can do that, Killer, i just did not wish to bring her here”

[15:17] Nightshade shifted on her knees and looks again to her own Master, somehow hoping to return to his heel. She somehow felt fear rush inside her … dreams of relatives had left her a long time ago … the mere thought of having them was perhaps to painful.

[15:17] Serpent ‘culd be an elaborate trick perhaps..’

[15:17] Vendetta nods ‘ Aye will I will get all the details from karina ‘

[15:17] Severus Koskinen: nods to V ‘I may look into this if time permits.. ‘

[15:18] Sombra stays back and silent, tho watches Night worriedly

[15:18] Karina looked to Shade and waved her over, concern filling her eyes “Thank you Shade, you may go back to your Master”

[15:18] Vendetta loks at her longing for the concersation NOT ‘ As you wish Killer just let me know i have time while the mark sleeps ‘

[15:19] Nightshade ’s mind was racing .. how could people come to Gor if she was of earth and mor important why would they look for her she was just a slave. Her mind instantly to her own Master, wondering if his life was in danger.

[15:19] Serpent ‘yes far more time than I it seems, if you would look into this I would appreciate it.. ‘

[15:19] Yash  looks over seeing a flash of white, followed by a dark form she makes a cough and points a bit in the direction

[15:19] Vendetta nods ‘indeed ‘

[15:20] Serpent glances over..

[15:20] Yash  says quietly as she looks over, it was a bit odd how they stood there after making such haste up the stairs, as if they pondered whether to stay or run for their very lives

[15:21] Serpent perhaps the tavern should be utalised..

[15:21] Karina  glanced back, having seen them all look past her, she frowns “They were here earlier”

[15:22] Sombra quietly moves over closer to Night and the Master, feeling the tenseness in the air.

[15:22] Nightshade leans in against her Masters leg hoping on something reassuring, her mind raced … if she had a sister … a twin ? And a father still alive ? she pressed her cheek against his thigh although aware of the visitors and moving backwards if his muscle would tense and she would feel he needed the space.

Feels like heaven

Simple things seem to be those that matter the most, the simple touch of his hand. The simple acknowledgement when he calls me by my name. Never I would have thought that those things would matter more, than the food I am granted or the fact I am still alive even when I was punished because of a mistake or moment of clumsiness.

Never I felt that my cheek against his knee would be more important than the air I breath and yet without it I would feel I had lost the reason to breath. All I am and all I wish to be is in the palm of his hand. In full trust that he will know what to do with it. How easy it is to simply follow his lead, instead of wondering what I could or should do to keep him satisfied.

He is the one showing me, demanding me to be what he wishes. The moment when this hits the center of my being … I feel like heaven.

A whisper of your name

When I came into this Gorean world I wasn’t even aware of my own name. I forgot what happened and although I understood that this world wasn’t my own, there was very little I remember of my life on Earth. When I submitted in the City of Laura, I was hardly punished to be called nameless, although the given name of Raven felt like a real gift. I have carried that name several years with pride.

The name was once given by a Physician who showed me the early beginnings of Gor. Her firmness, but also her patience and knowledge are still the basis of who I am today. When my former Master kept the name I was happy, since somehow I felt it as a gift to her. When my former Master left and I was claimed by my new Master the name of Raven had become a burden. A name that carried so much wonderful memories but also held grief and pain of the Master that now was missing.

The name Nightshade I received was meaningful, since it was related to the name of Belladonna and somehow it still held that part of what I feel I am.  Perhaps mysterious and precious as any flower, but also just there in shadows unnoticed.

Names of the Master and Mistress somehow were hardly spoken and surely I never dared to address them with it. I understood that it was something, I as a slave, wasn’t allowed to do. The name to precious to just speak it, to whisper it or perhaps even dream it.

Being in his arms and hearing him tell me he wishes me to whisper his name in his ear, made me speechless. I, just his slave, being asked to speak his name ?  I was confused, afraid even to comply at first. But suddenly I realized that what he needed was a simply whisper of his name over my lips. Lips that need his kisses so desperately, lips that so often are pressed to his boot in submission.

And here I am writing in my journal, speaking his name … soft, loving and as if his name is the most precious gift I could give those lips.

“I love you Severus.”

Crying a river

Often I stood on the hill-top calling out to my friend the wind, to guide me. I felt his closeness and his guidance in his soothing breeze or his harshness during storms. Perhaps in a naive way I held my own answers and were they just reflections to the weather when I sought the answer of my friend the wind. This time I searched again for the highest top and cried my tears.

Love is a battlefield an old song told and it is true. The insecurities, the struggles of wanting to be perfect, the fear of losing and the pain of feeling unworthy, seemed to drive me mad. After the story of Azrael I made myself a promise never to become that girl and yet there I was begging for his love. My heart reaching out to his so passionately. It might be just a female thing, something only women seem to value so highly. A love returned in full, as if a love that was met by less wasn’t valuable enough.

I so much love him it hurts, I told my friend the wind and with a soft breeze it answered me that he loves me too. The wind sweeping up my hair in the breeze, making it flow wildly, passionate as ribbons that were without any care. Just dancing, loving, expressing them without any restrictions.

Could I learn of this moment ? Could I be so free in the love I feel ? Could I beg his kiss, his tender touch, his loving words ? He, a killer, cold and calculated, whispering sweet words of shared love and care ? 

The wind played tricks with me when it increased in power making me understand that I, a mere slave girl wouldn’t have any say in how things would run its course. Didn’t my Master tell me that if his love would become to great he might need to kill me to keep his own position solid in this Gorean world. Would each day with the love growing between us, not be a ticket to the City of Dust ?

There I was, spreading out my arms embracing my friend the wind when soft whispers came to my ear. “Each drop of a tear is like a pearl on a necklace, no one knows where it ends or where it begins. But each pearl will be more beautiful because of how it was received. The one of purity, devotion, amazement and love will those that will shine most brightly because they came the hardest but will be valued as precious gems.”

And here I am on the top of the hill, crying a river … and with each tear I cry a pearl because of the deepest love that I feel for him. Uncaring if my life might end this night or tomorrow, because the thought of having shared love with the one that owns me is most precious and with a meaning that is never to be matched.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb

Watching a door that might represent an opening or closure, didn’t bring me much answers. It only told showed the struggle I felt inside of me. Did I really want to escape this life ? Did I really have the courage to persue what I thought was right  ? Or was the door a simple tool by the Priest Kings, to make stop, pause for the moment to rethink what I was about to do.

I had put down the bracelet and even wrote a note, I wouldn’t leave without a word. How stupid it now seems that I left a note of goodbye. What was I thinking when I wrote it ? Did I think it mattered to him that I had gone ? Was it a challenge to see if he would find me, some sort of silly attempt to make him proof he could or would ? Was it some senseless attempt to excuse myself for what I was about to do ?

Somehow it is hard to explain something that appears to others an act of selfishness, while it is only to escape the pain and hurt of feeling inferior or useless.  Hadn’t my Master told me time and time again, I would be easy to replace. Wasn’t it very clear that there were girls in line to take it, without any form of recognition to what I was or wanted. They were surely attracted to his sinister ways, his firmness and perhaps fantasized about being brutally raped or beaten by him. How different I was in that regard, as I am not attracted to him in that way at all.

I had failed him the past weeks several times and the feelings I felt didn’t make me very proud of myself. What was I thinking, that I am better than they are ? That I am better because I am silent, less demanding and just eager to do his wishes and could wait patiently for him to speak ? Why was I this jealous or frustrated by girls that just didn’t do anything but sit and draw attention unneeded ? Why was it that I felt this rage to strike them or hurt them ?

At times I felt cared for, loved even. But the past days I felt like a burden a shadow of the bright spirit I always am. My kindness was never a choice, it always came naturally but the past weeks it almost had become a struggle a choice that I had to make.

Perhaps it is when love is unanswered or neglected, perhaps it needs to be fed. But how could I a mere slave express feelings of love to someone who was so far from what and who I am. Yes there is slave love … after all a Master is the essence of her existance.  But the past moons I had come to realize it had gone far deeper than that.

The door had stopped me and had made me turn back to his tent, where I dropped down in agony. I wasn’t able to control my tears and somehow it felt like this river I was creating when he found me. 

Why I was surprised that he knew what I was feeling, I don’t know. He had been able to read me at very early beginnings. Perhaps even at the first moment we met, all those years back in the city of Laura.  It struck me that he seemed to understand better what I felt then I was able to put in words.

When he finally took me in his arms I knew that all I wanted was to be loved. I could climb any mountain, swim any ocean if I knew that love was shared. Why it is this important to me I do not know. In some strange way I could deal with anything if I just knew he loved me. Fully aware that he will never show it or never know to express it fully, I, the barbarian girl had the desire to be loved.

 He the lion, that kills for a coin, and I the lamb that doesn’t even dare to kill the bugs in the vegetable garden.

Fighting

Perhaps many see me as softhearted, easy-going and naive. I am certain that there is much truth in it, although at times I fight the battles that might give a different view of myself inside. I still am capable of anger, hate and jealousy. I am still able to feel resentment or unfairness, even though I might not show these emotions.

At times I wonder if someone truly knows me. Knows what angers me, what pains me or what I fight. In this world where I don’t show myself fully, I feel at times lonely and confused.

I am not permitted to keep anything from my Master, but the thought of showing these negative emotions is hardly something I wish for. What might he think of me ? Might he not find me unattractive when I would show that I dislike some girls that seem only there when the most pleasant tasks need to be done.  That I perhaps am jealous of those that seem so easy when it is about drawing attention ?

Often in the silence of being at his heel, hardly noticed or addressed I feel insecure, afraid that there might be one that will come and be there on the right moment with the right approach and takes my place.  

I see girls act indifferent to an other, see girls selfish in their need for attention. When I watch them I feel myself better then that, but at the same time I feel guilt for even considering myself more than any other.

Puzzled, lonely and torn in emotions … I close my eyes and try to fight those inner struggles just in hope that the battle will be won and the outcome will please my Master.

A cup

Perhaps in a world where you have all the choices, all your heart desires little things seem to have little meaning.  But when you have little, some of the most simple things are precious like true diamonds.

The offering of a cup, goblet or bowl. The little smile of a welcome or farewell. The little fabric of a camisk or a bracelet of feathers and some leather.  Small things that become like priceless possessions.

The cup I had selected for all this time and which I never thought he would have noticed, was a gift a small token of my true intention of showing devotion and care. I only used it to serve him, in this attempt to honour him and show him how deep my willingness is to serve him perfectly.

Last night when I found the cup missing, I understood that the gift although never addressed as such was acknowledged. In a way the tables turned since I couldn’t give him the cup, after all I found it broken. He gave me the acknowledgement of having noticed it, accepting it and with that he gave me the gift of something that might seem in eyes of others meaningless but for me is the world greatest treasure.

Bounded by my own judgments

After trying to discipline a kajira in my task as Firstgirl and she got even by attacking myself and a Mistress, I felt like a complete failure. Perhaps if the kajira only hit me, it was just a matter of who was stronger, but with the attack on the Mistress that tried to intervene the girl had signed her own fate and was killed.  I couldn’t help to think that in some way, it was my fault.

What could I have done to make the slave understand it wasn’t something to risk a life for ? Being disobedient between slaves is hardly life threatening unless a Master or Mistress is displeased but when they are not to be bothered with it, I think it hardly interests them.

I don’t know why I felt so confused or this failure when I just walked up and tried to find a place to hide. Perhaps a moment to rethink what happened on my own with no one present. I couldn’t help it, even though I am very sure that it had to do with the adrenaline of being attacked by the slave and seeing that she took a swing to the Mistress too.

Strangely enough I didn’t feel the pain of her beating, but the pain of failure seemed to crush me as if my total existence was based on a lie.

How could I have been so foolish to think I could keep everything smoothly ? How could I think that kindness would win everyone ? How could I have failed my own Master since he was no dragged into something so silly as an other girl not doing her chores. Wasn’t that something I had to be bothered with, wasn’t it only my mistake for not being able to correct her ?

 

I know many girls see in envy the collar around my neck and although I know that not many would survive long. I know some of them are more beautiful and powerful than I. Perhaps those girls would have been able to do his wishes far better than I.

Is it not an act of love to wish better for the one you love ? Would it be selfish to keep one that has needs of something more stronger to yourself ? All these thoughts crossed my mind and took me to the deepest feelings of being a total loss.

When my Master confronted me with the words of others that seemed to see me in a different light than the girl who had been killed, I still felt lost. I would take his beating for being insolent and walking away without his approval, for that was wrong. But the scar of feeling I had failed him wasn’t one that would go away.

How I love him, want him to have the best of everything and how foolish I am to even dare to question his choice of keeping me. Would it change me if I knew his true reasons ? Would it not hurt me if I knew ?

Never will he explain himself to me, as I am just a slave. Knowing this I will have to live with my own feelings, my own thoughts and my own judgments that are more severe than his.